Think Nike

I've come up with a to-do list. Needless to say, I haven't done anything (thanks to KL for pointing that out). I've added more, and the list is getting longer each day:

1. Take driving lessons.
2. Go to the gym.
3. Buy a bike (and go biking, of course).
4. Play badminton regularly (no, I'm not trying to be in. I just want to lose fat.).
5. Have a decent set of shelves made for my room so I can cram more of my stuff in. More importantly...
6. ...Clean my room!
7. Write a book.
8. Write to Adeline.
9. Undergo diamond peeling.
10. Buy new jeans.

And it goes on.

There are a lot of things I want to do, and not just what's on the list above. I mean with my life in general. But I never get around to doing most of them. It's only recently that I realized why.

I am afraid. I am a person who has been scared most of her life. Scared of failure perhaps.

When I was a child I never cared much about accomplishment or goals, not even academic excellence. I was never grade-conscious. I didn't care about report cards. And my parents didn't force me to care, either. Lucky for me I have good genes and didn't have to work too hard. I found school easy, and I got pretty good grades whether or not I studied.

But as I grew up, there were things that pushed me outside my zone of comfort. Like public speaking or debates. Or even simple voluntary recitation in class, which to my horror was actually necessary in high school and college. It was in these areas that I would sometimes fumble. I was afraid of asserting myself, of having to place myself in a position where I had to defend my stand to everyone. Afraid of letting others know what was in my mind, and risk dissent or conflict. That was scary. I was afraid to go forward and take the leap. I felt that if anything went wrong, I would never have the chance to correct it.

This is, of course, with the exception of a few things. One is writing. Writing for me before was very, very personal. I would never even let anyone else read my poems. But I've changed a lot now in that respect. I have Kule to thank for that. Getting published every two weeks kind of forces you to cast away your fear.

Second, love. I am not afraid to love. If there is one thing I could throw myself into, that's probably it. True, I've been burned, but that's okay. Love is far greater than I or anyone will ever be, and it's no longer a matter of fear; it's an issue of faith. I have faith.

The rest....aaugh.

Come to think of it, I'd probably be a good candidate for that show Starting Over (ETC), the one where a bunch of women live together in one house and fix their pathetic lives. My goal: Overcome my fears and go for it! Be confident! Seize the day! Live like there was no tomorrow! And don't rely on others to fulfill your responsibilities, do it on your own!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The women in that show are lucky. They get to live in this controlled environment, do "assignments", get help from "life coaches", fulfill their goals and "graduate". That is if they don't get booted out first (happened once to a woman named Kimberlyn. Nobody really liked her from the start. She was..unpleasant to be with). The coaches insist that's it's really a microcosm of life. Trials, drama, friends, er, catfights? And, just as you discover tools for survival in the Starting Over House, so you do the same in the real world.

Na-ah. Nothing ever prepares you for real life. Whatever it is that you do, part of it is all...suntok sa buwan. Doesn't matter if you plan it or not. Planning is just a way to kill time, anyway, until the universe does what it wants to do with you (and yes, I am studying to be a professional planner).

But as my former professor and mentor always used to say, shoot for the moon. If you can't reach it, at least you'll land on one of the stars. Might as well, right? I wonder which one on my list of moons will I shoot for first. Or maybe I should stop wondering and Just Do It, right?